I've been having trouble processing losing the both of you in such a short time. After losing Mom, I was upset with myself because I never cried like I felt like I should. Saturday night, or more like Sunday morning just a few days before you passed, I stopped in the hospice in the middle of the night around 3 in the morning to see you. The staff at the hospice were so friendly. They let me in right away and left me alone in the room with you. I told you how much I loved you and how much you meant to me, and most of all, thanked you for everything you did for me. I knelt down beside the bed and cried my heart out. I have never cried so hard in my 42 years. Never. It was as if the dam broke. My chest was tight from crying to the point where it hurt. I was crying as if the little boy inside me was crying out to his Daddy not to leave. It was as if everything was coming out at once. Losing Mom, losing you, 9/11, barely surviving addiction, the divorce, no longer being able to have a conventional family with my wife and kids. Most of all, what hurt the most was was kneeling beside you at the bed, your son, not wanting to say goodbye. I cried so hard and so loud that the nurse came running in and check to see if you were still breathing. She thought maybe you had already gone. I squeezed your hand one last time, put my hand on your head and said, " I love you Dad. You can go and see Mom now."
Dad, I don't know what happens on the other side, but I hope you are with Mom again, and all of your family. One of the last things you said to me was, "Just make sure you take care of those kids." Dad, you know I will. I'm going to miss you. We are all going to miss you. With you watching over us, I'll always think of the Liverpool FC song, "You'll Never Walk Alone." Bye for now.