There's no other way to say it: I'm having a really hard time.
Not only with the loss of my parents but with everything: The divorce. Loss of what a family should be. Loss of my best friend. I feel like I've failed at every possible test in life. That I've let down every single person who was important to me, and that no matter what I do, nothing can possibly reverse it.
That's a pretty hopeless place for a person to be in, and I don't think anyone ever thinks of that. I think when you're someone who's made some pretty bad mistakes, you're just vilified and dismissed as someone who will never change or get better. It's a terrible place to be, especially for someone who normally had a happy disposition growing up, and for the first time in my life, I don't have an answer on how to fix things. When I was a kid, I had this unbreakable spirit. I always felt that I had this undeniable sense of goodness inside, that I was always on the right path, and that I was meant to do great things. I truly believed it. I never wanted to hurt anyone. Ever. I don't feel that way anymore. Obviously, something broke inside of me after 9/11 and it led me on the wrong path and away from the person that I was meant to be. The end result is that I have never felt this alone in my entire life, and it is unfamiliar territory for me, and it is scary. I don't think anyone deserves to feel this level of loneliness and heartbreak. Maybe I do deserve it. Maybe this is just karma playing itself out and I'm getting exactly what I deserve for the way I behaved all those years. All I know is that I never thought things would be this hard. Just getting through the day sometimes seems impossible. I'm really good at putting on a happy face, but inside I am completely shattered.